Holiday dinner with friends crossed off the stress list.

It was a big success, good time was had by all. The children played (albeit chaotic, but children will be children). The adults caught up with each other. Many laughters were shared. The food was delicious. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but really, it was delicious. The spread was wonderful, and the desserts were so lovely.

The children got to open their presents. Eyes lit up and smiles were abundant.

We don’t see these people nearly as often as should be proper, but tonight just reminds me that when we do meet, it’s almost always a fantastic time. I guess maybe afterall.. this is the kind of friendship that withstands the test of time. You catch up after months and things feel like we just talked yesterday.

I’m glad to have this privilege to share this holiday merriment with them. I’m glad to be lucky enough to enjoy delicious food, all plentiful and abundant. I hope to someday, cook these delicious spread for people who starve. And share some merriment with them. Some laughters, some stories. 

Holidays or not.

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I just emailed two important people in my life whom I’ve lost contact with.

I feel scared.. will they reply? Will they not? Either way, I know it’s way overdue. I have to pay my dues. I have to let the people I care about know that I think about them. 

I am scared, but also a little relieved. I love them so much. I think about them a lot. And now they know. 

P and S, I hope you both are doing great. I think about you guys often. So often it makes me sad sometimes.

Almost midnight. Drinking cider with spiced rum. Browsing Pinterest. Background noise provided by mivo.tv.

Repinning interesting, inspiring things for my own boards. I might or might not be a little giddy.

This is fun. Adulthood sure can suck it (more often than I care to admit), but sometimes.. it’s nice. Adulthood makes me think that this is fun. Simplicity is fun. Hanging out on pinterest is fun. I really treasure that.

Now I just need a new tv series to get addicted to. Thinking of starting Homeland, but for whatever reason, it seems a little meh to me.

Tomorrow brings a long to-do list and I’m exhausted just thinking about it. So instead I’ll continue sipping my cider, looking at more pins, and maybe put some Adele on.

It’s crazy wild over here, you guys.

In an effort to be more of a social butterfly (yeahright) I just joined two meetup groups in my area. An international transplant group and a local girls’ group. Man, I’d kill to have a few girlfriends I can shoot the shit with over coffee and delicious pastries. Or maybe some nights, over wine and other potent potions. I’d kill to have a few girlfriends I can go thrift shopping with, do play dates with. 

This town I live in, is known for being a stand-offish town. Hard to meet new friends here, unless you’re from here. But I intend to stop my destructive circle of self-pitying and wallowing. I’m gonna fight my fear of rejection issue, throw myself out there and see what comes of it.

And I’m still trying to find the contact info for that girl I met at my friend’s son’s birthday party yesterday. Stacey… if you somehow by the miracle of the gods read this blog, please, please leave me a comment. I’m from the party yesterday, I had the red plaid shirt, the one from Indonesia, and my son is the territorial, grabby one with the green fair-isle sweater that you liked. I like your mustard cardigan and your sequined canvas (so cool) and your striped diaper bag and your son’s red plaid shirt. I love your sense of style, I love your hometown Seattle, and I always wish I live downtown too. And I think we’d get along. Let’s do playdate?

/end crazy rant.

Gamer.

So all my life I’ve always been surrounded by gamers and the gaming culture.

My dad, was (and still is, I believe) an avid video-gamer. He played a whole lot of computer games. My sister played a little bit.

In the past, the guys that I dated seem to possess one similarity : they are all gamers. No exception. Okay, maybe except one. But still. That’s a hefty amount of gamer dudes there.

So you’d think that I’d be a gamer too. It’s only the logical thing to be.

Except that I am not. I never liked video games or really any kind of games. I like some board games. I’m definitely not into the intense gaming culture. Definitely not a game otaku.

If I were a gamer, my life would be so much easier. I’ve always been a nerd, except the one part where I don’t play games. I tried a variety of games over the years to try to get myself into the gaming culture, but all efforts have lead me nowhere. Failed. I just can’t seem to get into gaming.

My husband is a big gamer. When he has time, that is. Nowadays with two jobs and a family, he basically has an hour or two every week for his online game. But I do tell him that it’s alright if he wants to take more time to play games. Because god knows I also want more time to indulge myself in a variety of Food Network cooking competition shows or Travel Channel’s No Reservations and Bizarre Food. If I were a gamer we could play together. That would be a really nice couple thing to do for us.

Our “couple” things to do are pretty standard. We both love good movies, so we do that. Thoughtful tv series. So we do that. We read some good book series. We discuss that. We’re both not into sports, completely. So we don’t do that. We are on the same page, politically (well, almost, anyway) so we tend to discuss those things too. 

But man. If I were a gamer? My life would be heck of a lot easier.

I am seriously contemplating calling off our holiday dinner for friends this weekend.

When I say “friends”, I use that term really loosely.

I’ve felt like we’ve all just grown apart, life has put us in different places and directions. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just a little sad. I have more than one instance when I feel like it’s time to start new friendships. Some friendships withstand the test of time, some just don’t. Maybe that is just the way life flows. I don’t have any means of transportation right now. My husband who does, is always at work and working a lot. He’s barely home and when he does, he tries his best to spend time with us. 

It’s really hard to make friends given our current limitations.

I’m just so done with this chapter of my life where I am so useless. I can’t do anything, it’s hard to go anywhere especially with a little one using public transport. And being able to depend on yourself for transportation is the main requirement to have friendships in this town. Sure, some friends are nice enough to give me a ride back and forth, but it feels uncomfortable for me asking for that luxury just because I want to hang out. That’s why I held back most of the time. This new girlfriend of mine was once in my position so she gets it and said she doesn’t mind picking us up for group playdates and such. But really, I don’t want to keep bugging her and ask her for rides. I feel awful doing that.

I feel like sometimes people are my friends because they feel pity for me. Pity that I don’t get out that often. I don’t want pity.

So I held back. I am waiting now for this chapter to be done so I can start life again. Having new friends, going on play dates with other moms and their children, taking my son to different classes and activities. My son has been so stressed out, as the weather gets colder it’s becoming harder to get out and we used to go to the park a lot during the warmer months to play and there he’d get to see other kids and socialize. Nowadays even though we still try to go to the park, there aren’t that many other kids anymore. He wants to get out, he’s frustrated. So am I.

Other moms put their kids in daycare once or twice a week even though they stay home like me, all for the purpose of socializing. So their kids get to socialize. I want to do that as well. We know of this nice daycare through our family friend. But again, the transportation limitation prevents us from being able to do that.

Just once a week, not even a whole day. Five hours would be sufficient, we won’t be able to afford it anymore anyhow. We’d rather spend more money on classes and activities, really. Tumbling class, piano lesson, little soccer league. I have all kinds of plans mapped out in my head as soon as this chapter is resolved and closed and I’m able to get out and drive.

As for me, it would be lovely if I get to meet new friends. But my focus is for my son. I want him to be more exposed, meet new friends. 

I don’t know what the point of this post is. I’ve been really stressed out and frustrated lately, so anxious, having trouble sleeping well. I’ve been feeling down.

Maybe this is just me voicing my frustration out loud. Articulating my inside issues. Hoping somehow this has a cathartic effect. When I am able to drive again, I’d like to start seeing a therapist regularly. My husband has always been opposed to this idea, he said “you just need friends”. But I know better than that. I know therapy would help me immensely.

I feel like crying a lot nowadays. I wake up and I don’t know what to start, where to start, how to do it. Some days I remind myself to take it an hour at a time. Just make it through the day and you will be okay. I have this wallpaper on my laptop of a quote from Tupac Shakur, “If you can make it through the night, there’s a brighter day.”

And I am gonna try to hold on to that as long as I can. I’m just gonna have to make it through another day and I will be alright. Things will be alright.

There’s a brighter day. There always is.

Right?

Anxiety level shooting through the roof. Some days I wonder how I made it this far without any meds at all. Welp, who’s kidding, look at all the bad decisions I’ve made through life. Sometimes I wonder would my life look different had I been on meds?

But what meds would cure insecurity? Only life and experience, I suppose. The rest are but temporary relief. And who needs that? I mean, that’s what wine is for, right?

Met some interesting new people today. Went to Baby Bubbles’ friend’s birthday party. Met some local SAHMs. I think I did alright (meeting new people used to give me serious case of social anxiety). Forever awkward will always be my life motto.

There’s this one gal who I felt like we could connect if given more opportunities. But my fear of rejection won me again today. I was too much a wuss to ask for her phone number. Her son is only a few months younger than mine, and she made suggestive comments like “oh, they seem to be getting along so well”, and “it’s so hard to meet new friends in this town.” I feel like she’s just as socially awkward as me. 

When it was time to leave she said “well, maybe we’ll see you again later?” to which I replied, “yes, of course I hope so!”

I am a horrible wuss. I deeply regret not asking for her number. Like, seriously. This awkward gal and my ole awkward self, I can practically picture us hanging out in a park with our monsters being monsters and us, chatting, cups of coffees in hands.

Now I might have to stalk the crap out of her. I sure as hell hope my internet stalking ability will not fail me this time given the only info I have of her is her first name, her son’s first name, and the company in which her husband works for. Oh and the area they live in. That’s all I’ve got to go by.

If I were given another opportunity to meet her again next time, I would be sure to leave with her phone number in my address book. But more than likely I think I must be a creep and stalk her on the internet. If I find a way to email her I will let her know that I regretted not asking for her number and that maybe one of these days we can do a play date?

I am indeed the poster child of social awkwardness. Yep. Find me someone you think is worse than me, and I’ll give you a run for your money. I am that sure.

Sometimes doing crafty things and shooting mindless shit with your grumpy father in law help keeps a mind calm.

Whoda thunk it.