Thoughts, in bullet points.

  • Spending New Year’s Eve at a party hosted by husband’s coworker. The non kid-friendly kind. Now to find something properly sequined to wear.
  • Despite our agreement not to give each other Christmas gifts this year, husband went a step ahead of his usual game and bought me The Hunger Games and a jasmine scented candle. (therefore leaving me with serious case of spousal guilt). Both of which please me greatly. The jasmine scent always reminds me of Indonesia. Always. I lit it before bedtime and think happy thoughts. I hope next year I can make it home, if not, the year after. Either way, it’s been long overdue. It would have been 8 years next year, or 9 the year after. I can’t wait for the day I get to tell baby Bubbles, “this is your other home. Always remember, you have two homelands.”
  • The Hunger Games wasn’t as impressive as I thought it’d be. A bit too straightforward and Machiavellian for my taste. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just not too much my cup of tea nowadays. However, the trailer for the upcoming movie is quite amazing.
  • I’m now addicted to Revenge. Only a few months later than the rest of America, as usual. Delicious primetime soap, well, what can I say? I fancy me some drama. 
  • Baby Bubbles’ development is amazing. He begins to form sentences and sing songs. Also, we put those glow in the dark sky objects in his bedroom ceiling and he’s taken it upon himself to assign some objects to family members. I, for example, am given “mama star”. His dad, is given “dawee planet”. (he calls his daddy “dawee”). His grandpa (he calls him “papam”), is given a “papam star”, and his Nenek (my mother), is given a “nenek star”. And he assigns to himself a moon.. “(his name here) moon”. HEART MELTING INTO PUDDLES OF GOO. 
  • .. and that’ll be that. I’m ready to depart 2011 and enter 2012. 

Looking at photos of New York City around this time of the year makes me miss it so badly.

I’m not a winter person, let alone a holidays person, but NYC has something wonderfully magical about it in the winter. The stores beaming with lights, the hustle bustle, the Christmas tree at Rockefeller. NYC is welcoming. You can’t feel alone in this city, even if you are alone. NYC doesn’t let you feel pity. Its lights, its high spirit, its people, its rush. You can’t, you won’t. Being there is always a guaranteed state of euphoria.

I used to adore NYC madly. I wanted nothing more than to live there once I grow up. Then I visited it and somehow I had a change of heart. To this day I still blame it on the company I went with when I visited. Maybe if I were to go with company I actually love and enjoy, I might have a different perspective on it. I have yet to do it, and am eager for the day it will come.

But my desire to live there, I feel no more of it. Were I to choose a bustling metropolis to live, I’d scream Tokyo wholeheartedly. I won’t even think twice. Or maybe Paris. Berlin won’t be so bad either, will it?

Tokyo signifies my desires to go back to my roots. Yes, by all accounts I am a westernized woman from the East. All my life philosophies, my thoughts on religion, relationship, child rearing, politics, the world – people back home where I’m from would cringe when they hear them all. When I told my Mother about my views, she cringed. 

Then she said, “You can’t live back home with those kind of views. Maybe it is a good thing that you end up here in the Western hemisphere. I’ve always known you don’t belong back home.”

But Tokyo to me, feels like a balanced fusion of the ever so cheesy idiom east meets west. The culture, the traditions, the older days.. they’re all still there. Living peacefully alongside modernity. Alongside skyscraper buildings, high tech wow- worthy technology and western-infused new ideas.

Tokyo is where I would call, my dream home. I still miss the East, I would go back there and would prefer to live the rest of my life in that part of the world. 

As for Paris and Berlin? Well, I have always loved Europe. Ever since I could remember. Europe, to me, is a big land of stories. See, I’m a history buff. I love everything history. I spent my childhood reading Disney’s encyclopaedia our Grandfather gifted us on the world’s biggest cities and biggest wars. To this day I’ve always felt like history is my happy place. Getting to escape time.

And Europe to me, keeps its history intact. The buildings, the cobblestone, the rivers, the bridges.. they all have stories. And I would love nothing more than to go there, and listen to them tell me their stories. 

Not sure what the point to this post is. Except maybe somehow I feel nostalgic for some places.

This morning, the first snow of the season fell. The 27th day of December, 2011. And today I wish I were walking the streets of Manhattan, admiring the lights and the beauty, the dreams they offer.

And the loneliness they’ll never acknowledge.

…And now for a little splash of positivity.

I feel like nowadays all I wrote about is negativity, depressing things, and matters similar. I’d like to break the cycle today by dumping out some (mostly positive) things from my brain.

~We are having rendang (essentially one of Indonesia’s national dishes), turmeric rice, sweet corn fritters, and steamed veggie salad with peanut sauce dressing for our Christmas Eve dinner. I am so SICK of traditional American holidays spread anyway.. ya know, ham, turkey, mashed potatoes, green beans casserole and the such. We’re going to eat them Christmas day anyway (have 2 holiday parties to attend, yay!). I am so excited to have Indonesian food for Christmas eve. After dinner and putting baby Bubbles to bed, I’m still debating whether or not I should attend the midnight Christmas service at the Cathedral. Either that or the morning. I don’t know. My husband might not be down with the idea. But I feel like I need to, I have to, go to mass.

~For Christmas breakfast, we’re having baked french toast, fresh fruit salad, some sausage and mimosas. Booze in the morning? Well, it’s Christmas. I plan on constantly being in a state of “happiness” all throughout the day. 

~We’ll be going to 2 holiday parties with some wonderful families. Very blessed to have been invited. Now I just have to figure out what to bring. I’m thinking a box of truffles for each party host from a famous local chocolatier.

~Remember this? Both of them replied. I am beyond ecstatic, beyond blessed. Now I am on to finding more email address of old friends to get in touch with them again. Did I say I am so happy? Because I am. Christmas miracle, I tell ya!

~Going shopping tonight. That’s always good.

I’ve done my part. I have to let go.

I don’t regret anything. 

Wanna know how adulthood feels like? Painful.

But I’ve won against myself and my own ego yesterday. 

I’d like to pat myself in the back, move on to happy times.

Mama always says.. “jangan hidup kayak orang susah.”

I intend to do just that, ma. (and thanks a lot for the peptalk) 

Baby steps into adulthood

I’m glad I made it to the playgroup today. Such a short time spent with all these ladies and their children, but it means a lot to my son. It means a lot to me as well. I’m slowly braving myself to come out of my introvert shell a little bit more, to meet more people and open myself up for new friendships. Friendships will only come from an open heart and kindness, a clean, unclouded mind. I am attempting to have those requirements for myself all squared away.

At the holiday dinner we had over the weekend, a friend, M, said that she is going to stay home come new year. Her workplace will be closed permanently at the end of the year and they have decided that it would be wisest and cost effective to have M stay home with their toddler son. I told her, if everything goes well and I’m able to drive, we should do more playdates during the week. The boys are only about 6 months apart and although they don’t seem to be getting along all too well (I suspect because they don’t see each other often), it will be a good idea to have the children hang out and us ladies just chatting and keeping up with each other’s lives. 

You know, having normal friendship.

I also proposed an idea of a monthly dinner club for our closest friends. The idea seemed to garner very warm welcome between the friends. Once a month isn’t too much or too little, it gives just enough time to miss each other and to have plenty of new stories to tell. Also, given the busy schedules all of us have, it will be just wise. Just right. I hope we can stick to our plan.

Just throwing myself out there, trying to conquer my fear of rejection. It can be so debilitating. Frustrating.

So I’m attempting to take control, albeit very slowly. I hope I’m on the right path. My girlfriend wished me luck today as she dropped us off from the playgroup. I’m about to do something I’ve never done before. She said, “you’re doing the right thing.”

I hope so. I really, really hope so.

So you know one of those days where everything seemed to be going alright all throughout the day.. but then there’s that one giant stain at the end of it that ruined the perfectly alright day you’ve been having?

Today is one of those days.

Tomorrow.. might bring some clarity or even more cloud. I’m shooting for clarity. But nothing can be solved on a heated head. On emotion alone. I’ve been living my whole life filled with that type of emotion, of impulse and whim. I’ve suffered more times than I care to admit because of it.

I’m going to try to be an adult and solve problems with logic. With cool head. Let’s hope it’ll all work out for the best.

But gah… now I need a tall glass of wine. And some emo Adele songs. A good cry and perhaps I have a shot at a somewhat decent sleep tonight.

Help me dear God.

You know who’s fucking fabulous?

Beyonce.

I can listen to her songs and I can dance alone in my living room like it was 2004. I can dance around by myself like I was still in my college glory days and I ain’t got no fuck to give. 

(no alcohol necessary)

Girlfriend’s the jam. Always have been and always will be.

I’m making baked mac&cheese for Baby Bubbles’ playgroup gathering tomorrow. Also, I’m supposed to be bringing something silly and funny for the white elephant gift exchange between the moms. I’m not sure what to bring. Perhaps I should stop by the thrift store and pick up an ugly Christmas sweater? hahaha.

I don’t feel like these ladies and me click too much, but I go anyway for Baby Bubbles. It’s good for him to have the interaction with other children. 

We’ll be off shortly braving this cold dreary day to pick up Christmas card, diapers, pasta and milk. I’m not looking forward to it. 

I wish I can just cuddle under the blanket with Baby Bubbles! But maybe we’ll do just that when we come back. He can watch an episode of Caillou beside me, and I’ll be drifting off for a quick nap.

Sounds perfectly lovely.