I am seriously contemplating calling off our holiday dinner for friends this weekend.
When I say “friends”, I use that term really loosely.
I’ve felt like we’ve all just grown apart, life has put us in different places and directions. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just a little sad. I have more than one instance when I feel like it’s time to start new friendships. Some friendships withstand the test of time, some just don’t. Maybe that is just the way life flows. I don’t have any means of transportation right now. My husband who does, is always at work and working a lot. He’s barely home and when he does, he tries his best to spend time with us.
It’s really hard to make friends given our current limitations.
I’m just so done with this chapter of my life where I am so useless. I can’t do anything, it’s hard to go anywhere especially with a little one using public transport. And being able to depend on yourself for transportation is the main requirement to have friendships in this town. Sure, some friends are nice enough to give me a ride back and forth, but it feels uncomfortable for me asking for that luxury just because I want to hang out. That’s why I held back most of the time. This new girlfriend of mine was once in my position so she gets it and said she doesn’t mind picking us up for group playdates and such. But really, I don’t want to keep bugging her and ask her for rides. I feel awful doing that.
I feel like sometimes people are my friends because they feel pity for me. Pity that I don’t get out that often. I don’t want pity.
So I held back. I am waiting now for this chapter to be done so I can start life again. Having new friends, going on play dates with other moms and their children, taking my son to different classes and activities. My son has been so stressed out, as the weather gets colder it’s becoming harder to get out and we used to go to the park a lot during the warmer months to play and there he’d get to see other kids and socialize. Nowadays even though we still try to go to the park, there aren’t that many other kids anymore. He wants to get out, he’s frustrated. So am I.
Other moms put their kids in daycare once or twice a week even though they stay home like me, all for the purpose of socializing. So their kids get to socialize. I want to do that as well. We know of this nice daycare through our family friend. But again, the transportation limitation prevents us from being able to do that.
Just once a week, not even a whole day. Five hours would be sufficient, we won’t be able to afford it anymore anyhow. We’d rather spend more money on classes and activities, really. Tumbling class, piano lesson, little soccer league. I have all kinds of plans mapped out in my head as soon as this chapter is resolved and closed and I’m able to get out and drive.
As for me, it would be lovely if I get to meet new friends. But my focus is for my son. I want him to be more exposed, meet new friends.
I don’t know what the point of this post is. I’ve been really stressed out and frustrated lately, so anxious, having trouble sleeping well. I’ve been feeling down.
Maybe this is just me voicing my frustration out loud. Articulating my inside issues. Hoping somehow this has a cathartic effect. When I am able to drive again, I’d like to start seeing a therapist regularly. My husband has always been opposed to this idea, he said “you just need friends”. But I know better than that. I know therapy would help me immensely.
I feel like crying a lot nowadays. I wake up and I don’t know what to start, where to start, how to do it. Some days I remind myself to take it an hour at a time. Just make it through the day and you will be okay. I have this wallpaper on my laptop of a quote from Tupac Shakur, “If you can make it through the night, there’s a brighter day.”
And I am gonna try to hold on to that as long as I can. I’m just gonna have to make it through another day and I will be alright. Things will be alright.
There’s a brighter day. There always is.