I just read my old private journal for about an hour or so. The one conclusion I have, is that I am happy and thankful of where I am today.
Do I want to re-live older days? No, not really. I am only looking forward to a better, brighter future. With my team, my family.
I notice an evolution, that I have evolved. And that maybe (I’m just flattering myself here) I’ve grown up a little.
I have a bigger optimism than I used to have. I have more forgiveness and understanding of life, of things, of people, of family.
I like life the way it is now. There are a lot of things to improve, to look forward to, to fight for, to hope for. But for now, I know, I would not rather be someplace else in time or space.
And it is an honest feeling. I feel this tiny happiness, this tiny relief. We aren’t rich and we are really frugal, I shop clothes in thrift stores not because I want to but because I have to. My son doesn’t have much of new clothes or toys or books, most of them are hand me downs or thrifted. We barely ever eat out anymore.
But somehow I feel that I have found the joy in doing those very things; in being those very things. And it is an honest joy.
I spoke to my grandmother last week, and she asked what I do for entertainment. I said, I watch Japanese dramas or variety shows. And I really enjoy it. I said, I go to the gym, a really affordable family friendly gym, several times a week and I really enjoy it. I said, I do Jillian Michaels exercises several times a week at home and I really enjoy it. I said, I bake bread and bagels and cakes and I really enjoy it. I said, I drink cheap table wine from the grocery store while chatting with my husband and I enjoy it.
I must be a cliche. A boring cliche. But I enjoy it. It is ok.
I don’t really look forward to dinners in fancy hipsteresque restaurants anymore. I don’t really want to go drinking at some fashionable bar anymore. I don’t really want to go out to the mall anymore. I like doing what we can afford. I have learned to like them and I have succeeded.
It is a tiny joy. But it is a big relief.
And I am very grateful that my sister got a scholarship for her graduate program. She is more than deserving.
And I am praying hard that my mother will be granted her tourist visa so she and my sister (who already has visa) can fly here in the summer to finally see her grandson. What a glorious time it will be. I haven’t seen her for seven and a half years.
There is really no point to this post, just collection of thoughts I want written, so I don’t forget in the future.