So I will finally utilize this blog for something I originally intended for it to be – to channel my neuroticism and paranoia.
I thought we’ve all graduated from highschool and leave the social drama behind as we put on that graduation toga and cap and smile for that cheesy graduation photo for our parents to hang on the living room.
As it turns out.. I may very well be on the wrong.
Back in January, B and I met this couple on the birthday party of a mutual friend’s kid. From the outside, they look like they could be the perfect “couple soulmate” for us – we have so much in common. Interracial relationship, past experience as expats in(the husband – of whom I shall refer to as A, spent some years in the same country B lived in, and the wife, T, is, like me, a foreigner in this country), the fact that we’re all foodies, and some other boring nerd stuff that I’m not gonna bother you to read.
Now T has just relocated here for a mere six months from her country, and she doesn’t have any friends. When we first met at said birthday party, we clicked. I like her, and she really likes me. A and my husband B actually knew each other back in high school through a mutual friend, S. They just lost touch. A and B have similar interests, T and myself seemed to like each other so much that by the end of the night we made the promise to hang out more.
A few weeks later, we did hang out together and it was a really great time. So we continued to hang out some more and every time, it was always so much fun. B and I really enjoyed their company and I’m glad I could be a friend to T, because being an expat myself I knew how rocky it was the first year I was here. Thankfully I had a great support system. I wanted T to have at least a decent first year here, given our circumstances ( I don’t have a car now and neither does she, making it difficult for us to hang out on a regular basis. )
During those time, A hadn’t found any job and they were living with A’s parents. Then about a few months after we met he landed himself a job.
Then for whatever reason unbeknownst to myself, things started getting a tad strange.
They never came around anymore,so we thought well, they wanted us to come down to their place, instead of them always driving to ours (remember they lived with his folks, so). One time we hung out at their place, and A’s BFF, R, came to hang out. A kept on ignoring my husband B. They would go out to smoke and ignored the crap out of B. B had to chase them around, almost. It was so blatant and painful to watch, I told B we should leave, so we did.
We told them we would help them move when they were going to move to their apartment (this in itself was another story – they were looking for a place closer to our house, so she can walk and not having to rely on him or our town’s crappy public transport so much. in the end A decided he wanted to live out in the burbs closer to his BFF, R- of whom he forbid his wife to hang with daily, because R in the past fell in love with A’s then girlfriend. So T is pretty much left friendless in an area where it’s very pedestrian unfriendly, and it’s not in the city where people are more open to start friendship in coffee shops).
A said we didn’t have to help them move, that he’d get help from his dad. Later we found that he actually got help from S, our mutual friend, and R. No biggie. They didn’t have too much stuff, so we figured they just didn’t need our help.
But T and I stayed in contact, and she would call occasionally. At this point it still hasn’t occurred to me the reason why we didn’t hang out as much as we should, or as much as we did before.
Then came yesterday, when the answer was made obvious.
Friday night, T called me, saying she has time the next day to hang out with me. I didn’t have any plans so I said OK. She said A would drop her off. T said he had plans. A plan to hang out with S and R that didn’t include my husband. He expected me to hang out with his wife while he didn’t even give the courtesy of asking B if he would like to join the dudes in their hangout.
It’s not like T and I are friends and our husbands don’t get along. Because we have that kind of “couple friend” where B and the husband are the best of buds, and the wife and I are just “superficial friends” at best. But it is not like that with them. For fuck’s sake they were friends from way back when and I didn’t know why in the fuck would someone do something that blatantly jerkish.
B said it’s happened in the past, too. That he was always the “outsider”- never included in any of this circle’s hangouts.
And then I finally told B something I’ve sensed but never dared to speak out loud for fear that it’ll become a “reality” to me.. that A probably doesn’t like me, and in all reality, would rather his wife not hang out with me. We bickered quite a lot when we “hung out”, but I always thought, it was all in good fun. I was wrong I guess. A is the kind of dude who likes his wife subservient, submissive, lahdidahdidah and because I’m Asian and I for the time being stay home (because I want to be completely present for my kid’s early childhood and also because of some legal matters that is still in the works that I’d rather not elaborate), he assumes that I am the kinda woman who doesn’t have opinion. Or if I do, I wouldn’t speak it.
Well as it turns out,much to his dismay, I’m a feminist. And he, well, is the kind of dude who likes his 30 years old wife dresses in frilly miniskirt that barely covers her bottom. Whenever T and I hang out, we always talk so openly, and she is always so honest to me. T is unhappy here. I think A understands that T always talks to me about stuff like that. She feels helpless that she can’t even go to the groceries without waiting for A to come home. Hang out at the local cafe? No money.
T’s thinking to go back to school or work, but wondering on what field. I’m not quite sure if this is what A wants. I told T, here in the US as a 30 y/o woman you can still go back to work or school. (shit, my husband’s ex boss was a woman who went back to school at age 40, got her degree and is now a corporate manager). Unlike in her country where your expiration date is the day you turn 25.
T is the very definition of a subserviant wife. She doesn’t even tell him how she feels, because she doesn’t want to make him feel bad or inadequate (he has some serious always-looking-for-daddy’s-approval issue, so.)
It’s making me so sad. I know how fucking petty it sounds, because, like, you know, I’m supposedly a fucking adult now and I have a kid too for crying out loud, and I shouldn’t have time to dwell over shit like this because I have to worry about bigger shit like parenting my kid, making sure our bills are paid on time, saving our money for our goal to move abroad, you know, adult stuff blahblahblah.
I wonder if the reason why A didn’t include my husband in his hangouts was because he doesn’t like the fact that his wife’s hangin’ with me. Subtle message, perhaps? I dunno. After sensing this a while back, I tried not to initiate first contact with T. I didn’t want to offend A or anything. After all I considered him a friend, too. And I very well realize I can’t make everyone accepts me or my views on politics or gender.
But I hate that because of my personal views my husband had to be treated that way. Nobody wants to feel un-included, ignored, whatever. If A hated me, so be it. He’s not the first guy who thinks I’m “too much a feminist” or anything. I’m used to it. But please leave the person I love from it.
B personally didn’t really care. He, in a way, had suspected this would happen. I talked with him last night, a really long talk. I hate the way A treats B. But I love A’s wife as a best friend, and she needs a friend. If we burn bridge with A, that would mean I will never be able to be friends with T again. And it will just be unfair to T. Why subject T to this, she didn’t do anything worth warranting that.
I hate dramas like this. Even more so, I hate losing sleep thinking of it.
But this morning when I woke up I decided I will wash my head clear off this and not let this bother me anymore. If T still wants to be my friend, I will always be there for her despite of what her husband does or how he is.
As for B, like I said previously, he didn’t even give a flying fuck anymore. I mean, him and A weren’t best friends or anything so he didn’t feel like he lost anything really. He just thought it was a jerk move. In August B’s BFF will move to our town and things are looking up. I have this best girlfriend who has a fun, kind BF, and I told B he should hang out with that guy.
I just have to write it down to let the steam out. A therapy, kind of.
“If to be your friend I have to change the way I am, then you’re not someone worth being friends with.”
(my sister’s sound advice)